Condo with a view of the sea

So I have recently acquired a condo with a view of the sea.  Sounds lovely right? It might be were the address not in Crazy Town over looking the Sea of Despair.  Maybe you've traveled there too?  One minute you are walking along, everything is fine and then boom a train comes by and before you even know what hit you, you are on it. You know how it goes, one thought leads to another and then you are an official resident of Crazy Town, your condo even has a welcome mat with your name on it!
I find that often the trip starts with a single thought,  it seems innocent enough, but before long that thought is a scenario, and that scenario becomes an expected reality and if you are crazy like me somebody ends up dead. (hmmm did I reveal too much there?)
So my most recent trip revolves around an actual trip.  My in laws have been gracious and generous enough to take my husband, children and I on a cruise with them this summer.  PLEASE do not mistake my insanity for ingratitude I recognize what a generous blessing this is for my family!!
 I have always had water issues, for as long as I can remember, but I've always pushed through them, until a year and a half ago when Meridith and I almost drowned.  Not a cutesy, splash around and be scared near drowning, but a call 911 half of the force responds, mommy lands in the hospital kind of drowning. (This is a blog for another time).  Anyway suffice it to say my water issues have taken on a life of their own.  So while the idea of a cruise caused that all too familiar creeping feeling of anxiety to rise up in my chest, I also knew this was an awesome opportunity and once there I was sure I would have fun!
So I moved on, every once and a while I'd see a train approaching (is the ship really safe, what if my kid falls overboard- told you it was crazy) but I'd recognize that this was not a train I wanted to ride.  I would counter these speeding thoughts with common sense- Ships are safer than driving a car, the kid will not fall off the ship. Besides if she did she'd float cause she will be living in a life vest and floaties the entire trip (oops I may have detoured to crazy town again).Back on point, I could talk myself through the oncoming trains and rest assured that all would be fine. That was until the Italian Cruise ship this weekend. . . . .  I made it to crazy town in record time, in fact they may have named me Mayor.
I have to say I am still walking back and it is a much longer and slower journey than it was to get there.  But I recognize that I can't do it alone.  I am going to have to lean on God.  I am going to have to trust that He will never leave me or forsake me.  He gave me Isaiah 43:2 the other day, " when you pass through the waters I will be with you; and through the rivers they will not overwhelm you."  Now I realize Isaiah was prophesying about Moses and parting the Red Sea but I am going to trust Him to part my Sea of Despair as well.  I am going to trust Him to be my true companion on this long walk back and as we set sail, for what I am sure will be a joyous and blessed vacation.

Sitting in my puddle

There comes a point at which we having nothing left to try but God.  The day, week, month, maybe even the year, has not gone as planned.  Jobs lost, friendships damaged, children sick, finances looming, everywhere we turn it feels like there is another hurdle to overcome.We ask ourselves why is nothing easy?

 I hate these times, I hate feeling powerless and overwhelmed, not knowing our next move. But I have come to see there is a blessing in them.  It is these times when we rely most on the Lord.  It is often only in our desperation that we completely lie before him and ask him to fix it - whatever it takes.  I find that up until this point my prayers are usually more like suggestions to God about the best way to fix it or I am so frustrated with God (or even embarrassed) that I just don't pray at all. I often will cling to Isaiah 55:8, "'For my thought are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways' declares the Lord." I also remember that He promises when we are weakest He will be strong.   

Sometimes I think God allows me to "sit in my puddle" until I am really ready to listen to Him.  Ready to bend my will to His and take things one day (sometimes one minute) at a time. In fact, in my life He has rarely, if ever, let me see more than one step at a time.  What is the next decision, next conversation, next move? Not what could happen a mile down the road.

He always gets me where I need to be, but one small step at a time.

Rhythmless

I have officially hit that point in the summer when I need school to start back up.  It isn't because of the kids bickering (although they are), it isn't because I am staying up way to late (although I am), and it isn't because we have exhausted all of our fun money (although we have).  It is simply because I need structure.  I recognize about this time each year the God created life with a certain rhythm;days and nights, seasons, weather systems sleeping cycles, body cycles, and even lunar cycles, all have a certain predictability and rhythm to them. The summer however, at least in my house, does not.  Each day is different and either packed full or dangerously empty (if you are a parent you understand why empty can be dangerous)!  I find my time with God can easily get pushed to the side; setting my alarm at 6 to get up when I don't have anywhere else I have to be, just doesn't happen. Getting back into the swing this past week (Meridith had drama camp and so we were at the church by 8:30 every day) has actually been freeing.
At the same time, the days are creeping ever closer to when I have to send BOTH of my girls off to public school. This is a first and really hard for me.  I love having them home.  I love the attitudes they have when they are with us all summer.  I love that we are still the primary influence on them both because of priority (we rank over friends right now) and the number of hours we have with them!  So I am realizing as I write this now that I best start setting my alarm for 5 am this year - I think I will need the extra time with God, I am sure I will have lots to talk about!!

You and Me

Working in a church is one of the greatest blessings I can count in my life.  To be constantly surrounded by others with the same goal - growing in Christ and advancing His Kingdom! I recognize regularly how blessed I am to work with people I love and to be constantly surrounded by God's word.  In many ways it is easy to keep God in the forefront where He belongs.  It is certainly easier to guard one's words, thoughts and deeds!

But surprisingly (or maybe not surprisingly if you know me well) even in this environment it is easy to get off track . . . to let emotions rule reason . . .  to focus on our own agendas rather than Gods. 

One of the areas I struggle with this is in my private time with the Lord.  I love to get up early (ok I don't love it, but if I don't do it I am not such a nice person)!  I need that hour (today was only 30 minutes, I was really tired) of alone time before my house explodes into action for the day.  That is my time with God, my time to center myself on His will.  But it is not uncommon for that time to get eaten away at by "good things".  I check my email - send off a few encouraging words, or pick up a book (currently Activate by Nelson Searcy), or search through devotionals for just the right thing to share with my staff that day.  None of these are bad things, quite the opposite they are good and necessary for any ministry to grow. But, they are not "best" for my early morning time with God.  He repeatedly reminds me that He wants it to be "You and Me".  Yes, prayer is imperative for our ministries to grow and thrive, but first we must be plugged in to the source of that growth.

Psalm 46:10 reminds me that I must "be still and know that I am God".  I need to guard my morning time, lay it before the Lord as an offering, seek His forgiveness, guidance, wisdom and peace.  Any relationship needs alone time to grow, to get to know each other, discover more about each other (and by default ourselves).  So today I will remember to Seek Him First, and find some You and Me time.

Unexpected Turns

When I graduated from college I hated that I had a degree in Early Childhood Development with a teaching certificate K-12.  I just wanted to be a certified Elementary teacher (I realize of course it is totally different now).  When I went on job interviews I would have to explain the degree and I was always frustrated by it. But of course now I can look back and see how that was God's hand!! It was precisely the degree and training I would need to run a preschool!
 Fast forward five years and we are settled with an 18 month old in North Jersey, I am working a church with my best friends (Jeff and Kari Gibelius - Jeff was the head pastor).  I love my job, we love our friends . .  but our family is going to expand and our tiny little townhouse can barely hold us.  So after months of house shopping and finding nothing we could afford in a school system we liked, Kevin made a bold proposal, "We need to move to South Jersey."  WHAT?? But things are good here, all is well, you have a job and so do I, I couldn't wrap my head around it.  But after a lot of prayer I realized he was right. We put out resumes for Kevin and put our house on the market (I was going to be a full time stay at home mom-HA!).  Within a week he had two job interviews (one of which is the job he is still doing 7 years later) and we had sold our house. God seemed to be opening all the doors - so we just had to walk through in faith.  Of course now I can't imagine life anywhere else.
 I could tell a similar story of how I started at Hope . . . tried going to the church I grew up in  but it wasn't a good fit any longer, went to HOPE loved it.  Long story short, about a month later I was working  at HOPE using everything God had taught me at the first church.  I would never have had the knowledge or confidence to take on Children's Ministry at HOPE without my experiences growing the children's program in North Jersey.  And then he led me to the Preschool and every step of the way, through every trial (and there were many) God has provided the right person, mentor, staff member; He is eternally faithful.
 I guess I share this to remind myself and encourage you - He knows best.  I would never have plotted my life this way, but I thank Him daily that He knows better than me! Even facing the toughest trials, nights of tears, painful goodbyes, He was abundantly faithful and I am so blessed. Sometimes I just need that reminder, need to look back on God's faithful track record and know His is the road I want to be on.

The ultimate soccer parent

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17


I love this scripture and have a hard time believing it all at the same time.  I mean I get that God is with me and certainly believe that he is mighty to save.  Those I don't even have to think twice about!  I can even wrap my head around Him delighting in us, I can picture him smiling down when we are singing praise songs, or when we are doing something particularly "holy".  But the reality is it isn't just then, He has made us exactly who we are and we bring Him joy just because. We are His and He is ours, and just like I will watch my girls just being (playing together, enjoying an ice cream, giggling over a joke, amazed by a new discovery), God takes those same pleasures in us.  In fact, the very next thing the scripture tells us is that he will quiet you with His love. Those days we are beyond ourselves, the days we work ourselves into a tizzy, the days we feel alone and misunderstood . . . . .His love is enough. Just like a mommy's hug is enough for the bumped knee, His love is enough to quiet us.

It is this last part I find almost unbelievable, He will rejoice over you with singing. What??? No way. I cannot even wrap my mind around the fact that the Lord of Lords, Creator of the Universe could ever, ever, rejoice over me with singing. Some other translations say with "shouts of joy".  So, God is in the bleachers cheering me on?  He is watching me like a dad at a soccer game, shouting words of encouragement and celebrating my victories? Wow, I can almost hear it, "Keep your eyes on the ball Heather, you can do this", "Watch his elbow, he is playing dirty", "Pick yourself up, your not outta this game!" And shouts of pure joy when a battle is won, His word is shared,or a temptation avoided. Can you imagine the celebrations of a life lived for Christ when we arrive in heaven?  Talk about bleacher clearing, gatoraide dumping, champagne popping! That will be a celebration worth a lifetime of training, sacrifice, skinned knees, and play books memorized; to stand before the ultimate soccer dad and hear, "Well done my good and faithful one."

I Don't WANNA!!!!

So obedience seems to be the lesson of the day.  Everywhere I have turned it seems God is trying once again to impress upon me the importance of being obedient.  Sometimes I find that obedience is easy - a choice I want to make, a passion I get to follow, an activity I enjoy.  But, I was also reminded today of how utterly painful obedience can be as well.  God tells us in Isaiah, "Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.”  You promise to lead us, but all to often I don't want to listen, you say turn to the left but I think the right looks far more interesting; or turning left would require me to let go of something I desperately want to hold tight to. There have been plenty of times that I have tried desperately to convince YOU that my way can work with your way.  But I have yet to see my plans prosper, instead that usually ends in pain, or a watered down version of what you want for me, empty.

But it is not just that I try and merge His perfect will with my imperfect desires, no I am also the queen of timing. Time and again Jesus called out to people to, "Follow me", only to be met with a list of things they wanted to do first.  I am certainly guilty of this-  my timing Lord, not Yours.  I fall into the trap of thinking I can figure out or dictate the timing that would be most appropriate.  Even as I type this I wrestle with timing, how quickly I want things done! But I know that God's timing is perfect, even when I wonder if He really does know what He is doing! 

So again, it all comes back to obedience. Am I willing to trust Him, when it is not my idea, not my timing and it all seems crazy to me?  Yes, I am.  I may have to commit my will to His again and again, moment by moment, but I want to be where He is leading.